Eating Soap

I have come to the conclusion that my children are subsisting on a diet of liquid soap and toilet paper. Yep. It’s the perfect explanation for why they are never hungry when I put their well-balanced meals on a plate in front of them, why my toilet paper holders perpetually display stripped cardboard tubes, and why the liquid soap in my shower is always three drops away from empty.

Seriously, I put two rolls of toilet paper in each bathroom on Sunday. This morning I went to pee, only to discover one lone square of paper dangling from the roll like a lost feather fluttering in the wind. And I’ve taken to adding bottles of shower gel to my cart where ever I am...CVS, Stop and Shop -- heck, I even put a quarter in the vending machine at Fitzy’s car wash because they offered trial size bottles of Dial. Last week I thought I’d hit on a system; I bought the 20 gallon drum of ‘Soap em’ Up’ at my local wholesale club. (So what if it smelled like motor oil? It was cheap!) I figured this baby would last us at least a month. Boy was I wrong.

This morning I was greeted by the the all-too-familiar farting bottle of air. Apparently, when there is more soap available, it is simply an invitation to use more.

I’ve explained the “dime size blob” theory, demonstrated the use of a bath sponge, and sung the praises of those marvelous little perforations on the toilet paper roll. But apparently, my lessons have fallen on deaf ears.

Then again, both my children are healthier and more fit than I am, so maybe they know something I don’t...

The next time my husband asks ‘what’s for dinner’, I’ll let my kids take the lead: “Charmin and Ivory for everyone.”